DEATH & JESUS: 10 THINGS TO KNOW
Death is the odd man out. He tends to be overlooked—talked about quietly, sparingly, and uncomfortably; yet, dealing with death is crucial. Dealing with death, sadly, is an experience we cannot avoid. For me, my first difficult experience with death was my freshman year of college.
Near the start of my freshman year, my Dad, David Kesey, was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer. Despite multiple surgeries, medications, and treatments, he had few victories; his cancer slowly took his ability to move, eat, drink, see, and even speak. At one point, his very chemo and radiation nearly starved him to death, causing him to lose weight until he reached only 120lbs. As his cancer progressed, I received regular calls, texts, and emails containing less-than-positive overviews of his developing medical conditions and complications. Despite the best doctors available, his case was declared terminal—leaving him weeks or days.
While my Dad’s struggle with cancer showed me a beautiful display of what it looks like for a man to have his hope and comfort in eternity with Jesus, not in Earthly loss or gain, it also put me through the greatest sorrow and struggle I’ve been through to date. For a period, I was depressed. Adding to my discomfort, I felt a truly strong Christian, despite overwhelming difficulty, would feel happy at the end of each day.
Knowing how difficult dealing with death can be, I've decided to make my first blog article an aid to those currently dealing with death. If you are reading this as someone who is dealing with loss, know that I deeply empathize with you, I do not take your situation lightly, and I understand the immense hurt. My hope is that what I have written here will help you; I’ve spent hours digging into the things that would have most helped me. Lastly, don’t hesitate to talk to me; I’d love to just listen.
I consider there to be two responses to loss. Neither is less true, but the first is much more commonly known. It says respond in joy; Jesus is your hope. If you are dealing with loss, you can take comfort in the fact that your earthly life is just a small fraction of eternity, and Jesus is coming back to wipe away every tear from your eyes; however, this is not the response that has prompted me to write this article—not because it is not true, but because if you are Christian, you already know it. Everyone will tell you to have joy in Jesus; you’ll hear it a thousand times. We do not need more articles on this side of loss.
The side that you may not hear as much is the side I will be speaking to. It says it’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to mourn. You are not less Christian for being sad. You are not less Christian for having a less-than-perfect life. I won’t judge you for not having a smile and a “Jesus loves me” sign held up 24 hours a day, seven days a week, which says you have it all together. So I write this article to offer amnesty amidst the expectations and pressures in a time of hardship. My hope is to comfort you in the way that—I hope—Jesus would too.
1. Embrace Pain.
Pain is Biblical, not something to be ashamed of. You are not "less-Christian" for being sad. In fact, being sad can be Christ-like because Jesus felt sadness when Lazarus died. If you think you’re not allowed to be sad, read the gospels—Jesus wasn’t always happy. If someone wants to judge you for being sad, they should judge Jesus first because “Jesus wept” when he faced death (John 13:35).
God wants us to experience all of his heart, and part of his heart is broken for the sin of this world, which is death. "Jesus wept" is a powerful scripture reference for you in this time. “The LORD is near the broken hearted” (Psalm 34:18). Crying is okay, I cried a lot. Cry with the Jesus whose heart also breaks over death.
2. Use Pain
You should not be ashamed of your pain; you should use it. Using pain is the shortest section of this article yet one of the most packed with truth. Pain is a powerful tool for increasing your Christ-likeness. Over and over in Scripture, pain and suffering are used to strengthen believers.
Verse after verse in the Bible speaks highly of suffering for a reason—it can draw you closer to Christ.
(2 Corinthians 12:10; James 1:2-4; 1 Peter 5:9-10; Hebrews 12:5-8; Philippians 4)
3. Know There Is an Answer, Just Don't Hold Yourself to Finding it Yet.
God does not always expect us to know why he does what he does; he simply invites us to take it to Him and walk through it with Him. Trials are so difficult—Look at Job in the Old Testament. It is genuinely hard to have faith in some trials.
You don't need to have an answer for what God is doing right now; you don’t need to answer the question "why" until you have hindsight. For now, don't be afraid of expressing exactly how you feel—good or bad. Be genuine with God, expressing any frustrations. This is an opportunity to grow your faith at a deeper level than some will ever be able to access—it shouldn’t come without a struggle.
4. Know that People Don’t Know.
People don’t know how you’re doing. People don’t know what to say, they don’t know how hard what you’re going through actually is. People genuinely might not know how to react to your situation. Sometimes it will feel like the elephant in the room and you will just want to say, “Hey man, it’s okay” (As if your friend is the one who needs to be comforted). People simply aren’t socially accustomed to dealing with death because it’s the odd-man out in the room.
Some people simply don’t know what to say, so they won’t say anything or they will say something they shouldn’t. In most cases, fear of saying something they shouldn’t will cause him or her to choose silence. Don't mistake their hesitancy to comfort you with a lack of care or an expression of judgment. If the uncertainty creates awkward social situations, know it’s them not you. As hard as it is in your position, try to be understanding and gracious with them. (Philippians 4:5).
5. Don't Isolate Yourself.
Embrace your friends and family—through the awkwardness, through the hurt, and through the urge to hide in a hole. Friends and family play a huge role in healing. Just because not everyone understands what you are going through, does not mean they don't care about you. They may not feel the exact pain you are in, but they do feel pain, and pain is pain. Everyone feels pain about something, so let your friends be your friends.
In your alone time, remember: though your friends and family may not know what you’re going through, Jesus does. Don’t shut out the one who truly knows what you feel all the time. Remember that he wept too. The same problem you’re facing, death, is the same problem Jesus came to fix. Shunning Jesus is shunning your greatest asset and your greatest opportunity to grow your faith.
6. know Certain People Can Help You—Talk to Them.
Don’t think acknowledging someone close to you is dying is asking for attention; its simply admitting pain, which is something everyone has felt. At the end of the day, whether you acknowledge your pain or not, it will still have an effect on you. That effect may mean taking longer to do your work, being less involved socially, or any number of things, so telling close friends, supervisors, and important co-workers what you’re dealing with isn’t about getting sympathy or attention—its about letting them help you.
People want to help, they just don’t know how, so telling them what’s going on provides them with a way to help you. It takes humility on your part, but the difference between extended deadlines, social grace, and less-aggravated bosses is simply their knowledge of your situation or their ignorance of it. Letting them know what you’re dealing with is worth it because it may take off stress, and you should take what you can get right now.
7. know THE HOLY SPIRIT CAN HELP YOU
You may be at a loss as to what to say or think right now. Believe me, I've been there. Death is so hard.
In the finals days of my father's cancer, he was transferred to a cold, quiet, strange facility. My Mom called me amidst finals week to suggest I drop everything (including tests I had that day) to come say goodbye to him. Walking into his room there, seeing the traditionally strong leader of our family lying in a bed speechless, motionless, and colorless, was the most difficult thing I have ever done. With all my being, I wanted to scream, but my sister and mother were in the room, so all I did was kneel by his bedside.
Sometimes, even words are not enough. The words we would say, would not be the ones we want, either. When you are at the end of your rope, take this verse: "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." (Romans 8:17)
8. Know True Blessing
Perhaps the biggest crisis of faith that comes with death is the failure to understand what true blessing is. Most people spend years of their life praying for God to bless them with good health, money, friends, and so forth. They pray this because they think the best blessing God can give them is material. If you don’t understand that God Himself is our greatest good, our greatest treasure, and our greatest blessing, you will struggle when He takes lesser blessings in life like health away (Titus 2:13; Ephesians 1:3). Heaven is so good not because the streets are gold, but because the King is God. Jesus blessed us by reconnecting us with God, not refurbishing our wealth. If your wealth—be it friends, family, health, or money—is keeping you from God, the greatest blessing you can receive is not more of it, but less of it. The Bible says our love for even our family members should look like hate in comparison with our love for our true father, God (Luke 14:26)
9. Don’t Jump to Conclusions
Although the theology behind true blessing may be real, don’t take it too far. The correlation is not definite in every circumstance. Losing money, health, friends, or family does not have to have a spiritual cause. Remember, no one can know the mind of the Lord (Romans 11:34; 1 Corinthians 2:16; Isaiah 40:13). God is working through your circumstance because he works through every circumstance good or bad, but don't assume he is punishing you for not loving Him enough or something along those lines. I don't think He works that way.
He does work in a way that allows even hardship to be for our good, though. You can and should assume He is STILL working your situation for your ultimate good (Romans 8:28). Don't become caught up in asking why right now. Time will bring you a more accurate understanding for what is happening later.
10. Take the Pressure Off
There isn’t a law saying how you must deal with death. People will try to tell you how to respond, but they don't have the authority to tell you how to respond unless they know what you're going through. The only person that fully knows what you're going through is God; therefore, the Bible is the only place with the authority to tell you how to respond.
I've tried to base this advice on the Bible, but at the end of the day it also has personal opinion in it, so take my advice with a grain of salt. AGAIN, death is hard. I received a call just yesterday informing me my grandmother is doing poorly and likely won't make it through the Spring. At the end of the day, death is still a result of sin, our separation from God. By nature, it sucks.
My final advice is this:
Don't forget that Jesus is coming back and will wipe away every tear. He has redeemed you, and this situation. More than that, Jesus has already prepared good works in advance for you to do in this situation (Ephesians 2:10). We share in Jesus' sufferings so that we also share in his glory (Romans 8:17).
For now, embrace pain and know, as my friend Kylie McDonald says, "Suffering enables us to encounter Christ in ways that we otherwise wouldn't."
Give me a call if you need someone to talk to, not just an article to read.
In Christ,
Jon Kesey
(803)-984-1792
